Cam Newton

NFL Podium Fashion: Cam Newton Channels A Fashion-Forward Steve Urkel

Published Jun. 30, 2017 6:28 p.m. ET

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One of the most convenient platforms for an NFL player to expand their personal brand happens to be at the postgame podium, where answering a slew of mundane questions can also double as a ripe opportunity to style and profile by showcasing their unique fashion sensibilities and personality to get fans talking and attract big brands from all over the world.

Yes, this includes fat guys too. For instance, notoriously proud farter, Vince Wilfork.

As we’ve learned over the years — in some cases to a rather scarring degree — sometimes the ensemble works.

And sometimes it most certainly does NOT:

These are their stories…

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Cam Newton

In another life — one where Cam Newton didn’t play football — the best, most succinct summation of his cartoonish outfit goes as follows: Steve Urkel joined Boyz II Men and then met Brother Mouzone, who took him under his wing despite Cam’s insistence on wearing suits from the future.

Here’s a better look at the explosive suit:

Seriously, what is this, The Hunger Games? All Cam needed to do to seal the deal on this over the top ensemble was summon a family of colorful parrots to land on his boulder shoulders and request that they sport the same menacing stare. Take a look at those eyes. Only the great Gus Fring — of Los Pollos fame — had that special ability to stay completely composed while still managing to convey that he wanted blood. BADLY.

Speaking of blood, pray for the 49ers. The Panthers play host to them in Week 2. Not even the Undertaker can save them.

Cam also decided flossed his teeth during some downtime on the sideline. What can I say, the franchise QB is constantly climbing an endless ladder to reach uber perfection and next-level greatness. But, to be honest, when you have something stuck between your teeth, it’s impossible not to make that the focal point of your entire life until you floss that shit out.

Much respect. And a Dab. You’re welcome, Panthers Twitter account.

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C.J. Anderson

C.J. Anderson opted for a jacket that appeared to be at odds with itself, riddled with confusion and suffering from a severe lack of direction, which basically means that thing cost him at least $2,000.

Sad!

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Trevor Siemian

For a guy who threw ZERO passes last season and had one glorious rush for a negative gain, I give Trevor an A+. Casual, but sharp. Not trying too hard, while at the same time not taking the always tragic Blake Bortles “couch time” approach. The young pup done good.

*****

Aqib Talib & T.J. Ward

Since it was Back to School Day for many children across America yesterday, I’ll allow Aqib Talib to slide on this one; mostly because of the exceptional hat. Pictured at right is safety T.J. Ward, who will NOT be given a hall pass since this dude could easily be mistaken for a camera-shy teenager walking home from school while an animated Talib needles him the entire time.

It also just looks like a piss-poor print ad for Young & Reckless.

Sure, it’s only Week 1. But in this particular space of internet real estate, we expect far better. Especially from Ward. This is the same guy who rocked a Doors t-shirt, a leather boat hat, and a giant gold chain last year.

Cut the crap and get back to winning the world, T.J.

*****

Cam Newton’s Cleats

Under Armour cleats featuring a king’s crown and the words “PRINCE WITH 1000 ENEMIES” draped across the side? Hysterical. And people are actually wondering why Cam’s head was treated like a ping pong ball last night.

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Gary Kubiak

That’s one heck of a quote, Gary, but all we want is for you to admit that you dye the hell out of your hair. Nonetheless, pretty sweet flat-top.

*****

Greg Olsen

Again, it’s early, but one of Cam’s favorite targets should probably shower and make his way to the podium to take a little weight off of his QB. He should probably also pack a suit or something. However, if you’re gonna go with the “I don’t care” look, make it count and wear something along the lines of a Chewbacca suit or Giant Gonzalez’s fake, hairy muscle suit.

I remain confident that Greg will find his happy place before your fantasy football playoffs begin.

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Von Miller’s Yeezy Cleats

If Von Miller plans on wearing his Yeezy Boost cleats again, I assume he gently buckles them into the passenger seat and drives them home as a safety precaution. These things don’t exactly show up in bulk for every player to pick and choose from.

In all seriousness though, was this dude supposed to actually play football or was he slated to partake in a high school wrestling match?

Teflon Von told reporters he didn’t stay in them for long and I can hardly blame the guy. Switching back to his regular cleats during the game was a wise choice, mostly because those things are closer to Sneaker Slippers than they are football cleats.

*****

Peyton Manning

FACT: You will never see Peyton Manning in a solid-colored tie or a button-down shirt that lacks some kind of striped or checkered pattern. Seriously, it’s impossible.

This appearance took place a few hours before the game. Checkers and stripes are basically Peyton’s peanut-butter and jelly. Thankfully, this is the last we’ll see of him for awhile. Unless of course you’re counting the incessant commercials, in which case Pey-Pey is in our lives for the next six months. Enjoy!

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Tom Brady Bonus

Tom Brady looks like he either just finished a highly satisfying murder with Patrick Bateman, or he’s on his way to do so. The Patriots haven’t even played a god damn game that counts yet and TB12 is already letting it fly like he accidentally took a few GRONK pills. This is excellent news.

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NOTE: A full Week 1 fashion review featuring the very best, as well as the tremendously terrible will follow on Monday morning. You can fully expect to see a handful of painfully forced efforts, countless dueling patterns, and about a thousand microphones being force-fed to Jay Cutler, who has made a public guarantee to ooze charisma; allegedly.

In the mean time, pray for Mike Zimmer’s sunglass tan.

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For more sports chatter, sizzling takes, and utter nonsense, follow Tim Ryan on Twitter and Instagram. And for a look at last season’s colorful ride at the podium, each of those installments can be found right here.

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