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Every Power 5 college football team summed up in 7 words or less
By now you’ve read no shortage of boring preseason quotes from coaches. They’re nervous about experience. They’re pleased by the way guys are competing. They’re just focused on getting a little bit better each day.
Yawn!
Here, now, is my best guess as to what the nation’s 65 Power 5 coaches really think about their team’s prospects – in seven words* or less.
It’s amazing how these guys can be both so candid and concise.
(* “The,” “a,” “an” and “to” do not count against the seven-word limit. For instance, “Hey, it’s my article, I make the rules” is technically seven words.)
Jimbo Fisher, FSU: We’ve got Dalvin Cook and you don’t.
Dabo Swinney, Clemson: Deshaun, Deshaun, Deshaun, defense, Deshaun, Deshaun, Deshaun.
Bobby Petrino, Louisville: Watch out, I’ve got a QB now.
Dave Doeren, NC State: We play FSU, Clemson and Notre Dame. Pray.
Steve Addazio, Boston College: Where have all the end zones gone?
Dave Clawson, Wake Forest: We might actually block somebody this year.
Dino Babers, Syracuse: The Dome will be rocking … by 2018.
Mark Richt, Miami: Golden left me Kaaya, not much else.
Pat Narduzzi, Pitt: James Conner is back. Life is good.
David Cutcliffe, Duke: We’ve been to four straight bowls. At Duke.
Paul Johnson, Georgia Tech: C’mon -- no chance we’re going 3-9 again.
Larry Fedora, UNC: We’ll make the committee take us seriously.
Justin Fuente, Virginia Tech: I wish I could have brought Paxton.
Bronco Mendenhall, Virginia: Let’s remind folks UVA still plays football.
Jim Harbaugh, Michigan: Tackling bloated expectations with enthusiasm unknown to mankind.
Mark Dantonio, Michigan State: Go ahead, anoint Harbaugh. I’ll be here.
Urban Meyer, Ohio State: Go ahead, anoint Harbaugh. I’ll be here.
James Franklin, Penn State: We Are … finally at 85 scholarships.
Kevin Wilson, Indiana: One Pinstripe Bowl bought me six years.
Chris Ash, Rutgers: What did I get myself into?
D.J. Durkin, Maryland: What did I get myself into?
Kirk Ferentz, Iowa: High preseason rankings make me nervous.
Mike Riley, Nebraska: Golly, I better not go 5-7 again.
Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern: Didn’t anybody notice we won 10 games?
Paul Chryst, Wisconsin: Somehow we drew everybody but the Packers.
Tracy Claeys, Minnesota: Not even I believe Leidner’s a first-rounder.
Darrell Hazell, Purdue: We’ve got nowhere to go but up. Truly.
Lovie Smith, Illinois: Is there no waiver wire in college?
Bob Stoops, Oklahoma: Kiss the ring. Let’s go get another.
Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State: Fear our quarterback, and fear my mullet.
Gary Patterson, TCU: Pick against us. We’re 23-3 since 2014.
Jim Grobe, Baylor: Don’t mind me, just minding the store.
Charlie Strong, Texas: We’re running Baylor’s offense with Baylor’s recruits.
Matt Campbell, Iowa State: We might surprise some folks this year.
Kliff Kingsbury, Texas Tech: We may try playing defense this year.
Bill Snyder, K-State: They picked us eighth? People never learn.
Dana Holgorsen, WVU: Extra Red Bulls can’t save my job.
David Beaty, Kansas: Please, just let us win one game.
David Shaw, Stanford: Guess who we’re going to ride on offense?
Mark Helfrich, Oregon: Another FCS quarterback. What could go wrong?
Sonny Dykes, Cal: Greetings from Down Under. Send Jared Goff.
Chris Petersen, Washington: Could you guys overhype us any more?
Mike Leach, Washington State: Our quarterback might throw for 8,000 yards.
Gary Andersen, Oregon State: In hindsight, Wisconsin wasn’t so bad.
Jim Mora, UCLA: No pressure, Josh, but go win the Heisman.
Clay Helton, USC: Do we really have to play Alabama?
Rich Rodriguez, Arizona: Let’s go win some games for Zach.
Todd Graham, Arizona State: I’ve already pulled one upset – still here.
Kyle Whittingham, Utah: We’ll be better than people realize. Again.
Mike MacIntyre, Colorado: We’re going to win more than four. Really.
Butch Jones, Tennessee: Pressure? What pressure? THERE’S SO MUCH PRESSURE.
Jim McElwain, Florida: Keep sleeping on the Gators. We love it.
Kirby Smart, Georgia: Here’s to Nick Chubb’s apparently bionic knee.
Mark Stoops, Kentucky: Please, just one more win. One more.
Barry Odom, Missouri: One down year and they forgot about us?
Derek Mason, Vandy: We won’t score much. Neither will you.
Will Muschamp, South Carolina: Is this as ridiculous as it looks?
Les Miles, LSU: I’m back, baby. And I brought Fournette.
Nick Saban, Alabama: Trust the Process. And a freshman QB.
Bret Bielema, Arkansas: Behold our borderline erotic rushing attack.
Hugh Freeze, Ole Miss: We’re not going down quietly, NCAA.
Dan Mullen, Mississippi State: Can Dak come back after Dallas’ preseason?
Gus Malzahn, Auburn: It’s hard being a guru with no offense.
Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M: We finally have an adult quarterback. Yessir.
NOTRE DAME
Brian Kelly: My true secret plan: Play two footballs.
