Ole Miss Rebels

SEC Football: Doing Direct Messages Damage Control

Published Jun. 30, 2017 6:28 p.m. ET

foxsports

The threat of people hacking social media accounts and reading direct messages is real. It’s important to do some preemptive damage control.

Well, hello again my fellow conspiracy theorist. I am in kind of a rush because it is all out Armageddon in my parent’s basement. I am burning files and erasing phones as we speak. It has been brought to my attention that there are some evil people hacking private direct messages.

This is absolutely deplorable behavior. But the fact that there are people out there laughing at such actions is outrageous. Who laughs at a young man’s account being hacked by someone who means to do him harm? What kind of fan base would take delight in that?

However, just in case someone manages to figure out my cryptic password (which is “newcowboysfan4”, all lowercase), I need to do preemptive damage control. There may be things in my DMs that may seem deceptive, devious, and a little creepy. But trust me, they are not. It’s just who I am.

1. Fake Accounts

My direct messages may suggest that I or some of my associates may have fake social media accounts. That is false. That is a lie the Bearion Ledger is putting out to smear me. Sure there may have been accounts that seemed to originate with me. But @dak4heisman_please and @mullens_lateralmoves were not me. But they were great accounts. I loved the way they would follow high schoolers in a “not at all” creepy way. However, it was not me.

2. Secrecy

To all those who have shared information with me, don’t worry. There is no way I will put my interest ahead of keeping your confidence. I’m not sure why I’m keeping all these conversations. It’s not to use them against you later if something was ever to blow up in my face, that’s for sure.

My word is my bond. Sure I may have considered revealing someone’s name as though I got it from an Ole Miss sources. Just for the purpose of them getting mad at them Bears. But I will never do that to you. I appreciate your service to Mississippi State. Hail State!

3. My Book

That leads directly to my final point. My book is safe. I know many of my fellow theorist would be worried that a hack of my direct messages would put my book in danger. There is no need to worry. That masterpiece of journalist excellence is safe. As a matter of fact, I haven’t even made up most of the stuff I’m going to put in my book yet. I’ve still got fresh conspiracies to cook up. Like, I heard that Freeze was using an old Trailways bus, filling it with free tacos and driving to all the local high school football games. While wearing a powder blue helmet. I’m sure that’s against NCAA regulations. You can read about it in my book.

Final Thoughts

I know it was those Bears who hacked into that great man’s direct messages. They are evil, I tell you. There is an account of one of the University of North Mississippi Bears stealing picnic baskets at Sardis Lake. Plus there are reports that there were three of these creeps terrorizing a little girl who was just looking for some porridge and a place to sleep. My sources told me about one UNM Bear so spaced out on honey he was misspelling it “hunny”. Oh, wait these may be fictitious bears. Who cares I’m going to report it to the NCAA anyway.

Therefore, stay strong fellow conspiracy theorist. The Bears have come after one of us and soon they will be after us all. And if one comes and tells you that “only you can prevent forest fires”, don’t believe him. It’s just Smokey trying to illegally recruit your kid.