10 sports controversies the Supreme Court should consider instead of Deflategate
It doesn't feel real. It really doesn't.
For whatever reason, after more than a year of litigation, testicle jokes and varying stages of public furor, Deflategate still doesn't feel like an actual controversy involving real people and consequences.
And that's the rub: Deflategate is a very real, unkillable thing. And it's escalating.
On Wednesday, news broke that the 2nd Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals rejected Tom Brady's appeal for a rehearing of the case. His last refuge for recourse now? The mother-frumpin' U.S. Supreme Court.
And to that I say "Nay." There are so many more deserving sports controversies out there, and I've decided to let Sports Supreme Court rule on these egregious miscarriages of sports justice right here, right now.
So get in line, Deflategate. These are the 10 sports appeals the Supreme Court needs to hear instead of your whiny PSI garbage.
Grounds for Appeal: By disallowing J.R. Smith's buzzer-beater against the Warriors in Game 3 of the Finals, officials wronged a hard-working shooting guard with their grievous misinterpretation of the spirit of the game clock—and it could argued, our working understanding of time itself.
Ruling: Shot is allowed on the grounds of contested awesome-ness and necessity for the culture.
Grounds for Appeal: Judges who voted for Zach Lavine over Aaron Gordon in the 2016 NBA Dunk Contest were unfit for duty due to gross negligence, flight jealousy and advanced, late-stage haterism.
Ruling: Aaron Gordon is made 2016 Dunk Champ and acting mayor of Toronto.
Grounds for Appeal: Colorado won its 1990 "national title" against Missouri thanks to a clerical error by officials allowing the Buffaloes an extra chance to punch in the decisive touchdown.
Ruling: Colorado's title is vacated and spite-damages are awarded to Missouri in the form of an annual, one-day ban on craft beer is levied on the city of Boulder every October 6th.
Grounds for Appeal: They were up 3-1 on the Warriors and rolling, dammit.
Ruling: The court rejects to hear the case, given clear historical evidence that the Thunder willfully choked away the series and, ultimately, the franchise. Judge Sotomayor issues a controversial dissent of the court's decision, claiming a Thunder-Cavs Finals "would've been just as lit as Dubs-Cleveland."
Grounds for Appeal: It was takeout, for God's sake.
Ruling: "Cheap" label vacated, as judges unanimously agree tipping heavily on takeout is a wack move perpetrated by the bourgeoisie out of guilt and self-hate.
Grounds for Appeal: That gator ain't real.
Ruling: Court upholds the appeal and sentences the staff of the Buffalo Creek Golf Course to 48 hours of watching Lake Placid on repeat. Course owners are expected to take a plea deal and sign a legal document admitting that gator ain't real in the hopes of reduced sentencing.
Grounds for Appeal: The replacement schmucks goofed it all up.
Barstool Sports - Drew Brees, Millionaire, Leaves $3 Tip On $74 Check http://t.co/Si6JW2ir33 pic.twitter.com/l4AyMgL1Rn
— Pat Imbarrato (@pimbarrato) July 31, 2013
Ruling: Ruling on the field is reversed, giving Green Bay the victory and additional damages in the form of Russell Wilson and replacement refs taking a Walk of Atonement around Lambeau Field in dead winter in nothing but Curry Lows.
Grounds for Appeal: Curt Schilling's "bloody" sock was in fact ketchup applied in a ruse to lull the New York Yankees into a false sense of security during Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS.
Ruling: Appeal is denied, but all nine judges sign a joint statement stating "Dude is still the worst, though."
Grounds for Appeal: "Because too many nights I saw him going back to the hotel with a bag of McDonalds."
Ruling: After two days of sequestered deliberation, Sports Supreme Court judges emerge with the ruling that Wilt "wasn't really up in the sheets like that."
1. Baltimore Orioles lose 1996 ALCS due to Jeffrey Maier
Grounds for Appeal: The Baltimore Orioles unjustly lost Game 1 of the 1991 ALCS due to interference of Jeffrey Maier--a young Yankees fan whose actions officials allowed to stand after being blinded by his cherubic joy
Ruling: Overturned on the basis of child-blindness and Baltimore needing this one.
Dan is on Twitter. He is the senior tenured member of Sports Supreme Court.
