Cleveland Browns

5 Cleveland Browns-themed fantasy football names

Updated Mar. 4, 2020 11:00 p.m. ET

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Aug 18, 2016; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Browns head coach Hue Jackson at FirstEnergy Stadium, the Atlanta Falcons defeated the Cleveland Browns 24-13. Mandatory Credit: Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

The current Cleveland Browns roster offers a great deal of fun fantasy football names for the upcoming season.

The Cleveland Browns may be three days away from the season opener, but the NFL regular season begins tonight as the Carolina Panthers take on the Denver Broncos in a Super Bowl rematch.

This also ushers in the start of another fantasy football season, the time of year when you desperately search for someone to rant about how much DeMarco Murray is killing your team. Is that just me?

While the players are the main focus of any fantasy football team, every team needs a great name to carry throughout the entire season. Because nothing lacks intimidation like seeing your next opponent is “Cry me a Rivers.”

For Browns fans, the play of the real team often turns into a disappointment before Halloween, meaning the play of one’s fantasy football team becomes the last hope of happiness during the NFL season.

This current Browns roster provides some fun puns to use as team names, although “A Mingo Stole my Baby” is no longer an option after the amount of turnover seen on the roster.

So while we await the start of the real season, let’s take a look at five Browns-themed fantasy football team names to use this season.

Sep 1, 2016; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Browns cornerback Joe Haden (23) warms up before the game between the Cleveland Browns and the Chicago Bears at FirstEnergy Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

“Joe Baeden”

For those confused, this is not a play on Joe Biden’s name. That would just be weird.

How could Joe Haden not double as “bae?” He is universally loved by Browns fans and is a visible face in the community/buys floor seats to Cavaliers games.

This name shows your competitors that you have a sensitive side, moving away from those lame names that try to sound tough or are just plain creepy.

Haden is making his return to the Browns after an injury-riddled 2015 season and could see himself return to prominence among defensive backs in the NFL. Even an average season, by his standards, would be enough to bring stability to a defense that has been among the league’s worst for the past few years.

Haden must anchor a group that was supposed to feature Justin Gilbert when the former Brown was drafted in 2014, but that didn’t exactly go according to plan. At all.

So show off your appreciation of one of the best defensive backs to ever wear a Browns jersey. Maybe even go ahead and put this team name on a t-shirt. You could be famous. You could also make people think you are a horrible speller, but fame is in there somewhere.

Jun 7, 2016; Berea, OH, USA; Cleveland Browns defensive back Derrick Kindred (30) runs a drill during minicamp at the Cleveland Browns training facility. Mandatory Credit: Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

“Derrick’s Kindred Spirit”

Derrick Kindred is the first of two rookies to make this list, and his name is to easy to pass up as a team name.

Simply calling the team “Kindred Spirits” would lose the rookie’s connection, as fellow league members may spend hours wondering if they were indeed your kindred spirit. Although they may also think you have a spiritual connection with someone named Derrick. Perhaps you do and just don’t know it yet. Fantasy football brings people together.

Derrick Kindred was one of 17 rookies to make the final roster and will start the season behind Ibraheim Campbell on the depth chart at the strong safety position.

His own kindred spirit may be Batman, as Kindred played his entire last season at TCU with a broken collarbone. That is true grit and determination from a young man who was following his NFL dream, and luckily for him it paid off.

This team name works if you put a picture of Derrick Kindred as your team avatar, once again avoiding questions of “who is this Derrick guy you are so connected to?”

Kindred should be able to be a key part of the Browns secondary in 2016, and if he becomes a face of the defense, this name will make you the coolest person in the league. So it goes.

Sep 1, 2016; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Browns quarterback Cody Kessler (5) tosses the ball to cornerback Mikell Everette (49) for a gain of two yards against the Chicago Bears during the third quarter at FirstEnergy Stadium. The Bears defeated the Browns 21-7. Mandatory Credit: Scott R. Galvin-USA TODAY Sports

“Shots of Kessler”

This one is for fans of awful whiskey who have no money. Where you at?

Kessler, a drink that makes your body want to rise up in revolt, may be consumed in large quantities if the Browns undergo any quarterback changes this season.

Robert Griffin III is the starter to begin the season, but the optimism surrounding his ability to stay healthy all season is understandably low. Josh McCown is his backup, but he has dealt with injury problems himself.

That leaves rookie Cody Kessler, who began his NFL career by running out the back of the end zone in the preseason opener against the Green Bay Packers. He finished that game with two safeties, although the sight of him running toward the fans at Lambeau Field was the one fans will remember.

Griffin is going to have a rough go at it, given the lack of experience in the receiving corps, but there is no need to panic and get out the rocks glass when he is in. He is going to give the team its best chance to win, even if that is only good enough for four or five wins.

The glasses can come out if Kessler finds his way on the field, as that will signal another wasted season and another name to add to the infamous jersey of starting quarterback names.

This is nothing against Kessler, the player not the drink, but his presence on the field in 2016 means something went horribly wrong.

Aug 26, 2016; Tampa, FL, USA; Cleveland Browns tackle Joe Thomas (73) blocks against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers during the first quarter at Raymond James Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

“Immortan Joe Thomas”

This one is for all the Mad Max fans out there.

Immortan Joe was the most powerful man in the movie’s world, that is until (don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t seen it).

Joe Thomas is one of the most powerful men in the NFL; an immovable force along the offensive line for the Browns. He has never missed a snap during his nine-year career, which is just insane when you think about how much of a beating he takes not only every game, but every snap.

Putting Immortan Joe’s lack of morality aside, he was a force to be reckoned with in the world of Mad Max.

This name will show off your movie knowledge and make you look like you totally don’t just inside all day and contemplate the merits of using a sixth-round pick on Matt Stafford, only to have him get drafted by the team in front of you, thus ruining your day and making you question how it is already Friday.

After all the time Joe Thomas has put in as a member of the Browns, the least one could do is dedicate a fantasy team in his name.

Jun 7, 2016; Berea, OH, USA; Cleveland Browns head coach Hue Jackson yells to the team during minicamp at the Cleveland Browns training facility. Mandatory Credit: Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

“Sorry Mrs. Jackson”

Hue Jackson may have an idea of what he got himself into, but it is going to become much more clear when the media asks him when he is going to remove RG3 from the starter’s role when it is only Week 4. Cue the musical stylings of Outkast.

Jackson has a wife and kids, so an early apology to them from Browns fans may be in order. He is going to walk in the house and just stare at the wall, bewildered by whatever misfortune befalls his team in 2016.

While it will be a tough year for Jackson, he is a great coach who the Browns are lucky to have. After so much turnover at the coaching position, Jackson seems like he is the man who can break the curse and actually make it to a third season.

His past work with quarterbacks should give fans hope that he can help resurrect Griffin’s career, thus making the offense and entire team better as a whole. And if Jackson can get this team back to the playoffs, he will be coaching in Cleveland for a long time.

But until then, show off your taste in early 2000s rap with this team name.