Dallas Cowboys

Dallas Cowboys: 10 reasons why they're not America's Team

Published Jun. 30, 2017 6:28 p.m. ET

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Jan 4, 2015; Arlington, TX, USA; Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant (88), Tony Romo (9), Jason Witten (82) and DeMarco Murray (29) prior to facing the Detroit Lions in the NFC Wild Card Playoff Game at AT&T Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Every year, we hear the same refrain from broadcasters, pundits, experts and fans across the country. When they get sick of calling the Dallas Cowboys by their real name, they start calling them America’s Team. All 42 of their hardcore fans love saying it, like it means the rest of America actually loves the team. In reality, most of the country is sick of watching their televisions being overwhelmed by some mediocre NFC East game.

So, since it is Independence Day here in America, I have decided to take down this horrible injustice. There are 31 other NFL teams, and none of them should be subjected to this insanity. Here are 10 reasons why the Cowboys are not America’s Team. Just know this list could have been much, much longer.

10. Jason Garrett can’t be the coach of America’s Team

Look, Garrett seems like a really nice guy. He’s not a terrible coach either, because he did guide the Cowboys to a 12-4 mark and the NFC East crown in 2014. All things considered, Dallas could do much worse than having Garrett on the sideline. Still, he just isn’t cutting it as the leader of America’s Team. To be that, you need to be in someone’s face at least 75 percent of the game.

Who are the people Americans tend to love the most? Men and women who aren’t afraid to take charge and lead by force. Garrett is a very mild-mannered guy. The Cowboys need to have a coach like Bill Cowher, who scared the hell out of everyone he coached except for Greg Lloyd, because Lloyd was no joke. Sorry, Jason, but you need to move it on.

9. America doesn’t choke

The Cowboys can never seem to finish the deal. Dallas used to be the ultimate closer when Landry and Johnson were around, but since Johnson left, it has been all about rolling over in the big spot. Remember when Wade Phillips was in charge? The only things you could rely on in this world were death, taxes and an incredible choke job out of the Cowboys.

America has its flaws, but it does not come up short in the big moments. Look at how America responds when the chips are down throughout history. Yet, Dallas rolls into the joint and loses 41-6 against the Philadelphia Eagles in a win or go home situation. This is inexcusable.

July 7, 2013; Pasadena, CA, USA; Mexico flag is waved by fans as they cheer against Panama during the second half at the Rose Bowl. Mandatory Credit: Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

8. Aren’t they really Mexico’s Team?

The Cowboys are a heck of a lot closer to the capital of Mexico (Mexico City) than they are to Washington D.C. In addition, Dallas doesn’t even have all of the American colors in the uniform. The Cowboys should just got for broke and change the team colors to green, red, and white. Maybe throw in some games across the border for good measure.

Mexico has hosted NFL games before, and the crowds have always turned out to be rowdy and full of excitement. Why not give them the Cowboys and let them see what pain feels like when Tony Romo drops back and throws a ridiculous, back-breaking interception to end the season?

7. There are much better options

Frankly, it is about being a winner, good-looking and fawned over by the media, right? Doesn’t this mean Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers needs to be involved? How about Drew Brees, who led a devastated city back from Hurricane Katrina and to its first Super Bowl victory only a few years later? Now that’s an American story, not Romo dating Jessica Simpson.

The Saints seem like a very obvious choice as America’s Team because of the recent history, although the Green Bay Packers are also in the running. Green Bay is this tiny town that has proven to be a juggernaut in pro football, earning the moniker of Titletown. Sounds like America to me.

Jan 11, 2015; Green Bay, WI, USA; Green Bay Packers running back Eddie Lacy (27) runs past Dallas Cowboys defensive end Jeremy Mincey (92) in the first quarter in the 2014 NFC Divisional playoff football game at Lambeau Field. Mandatory Credit: Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

6. The uniforms don’t even match

Have you ever noticed that the Cowboys have sliver pants that don’t match the color of the numbers on the jersey? The numbers are dark blue. Also, on the road, Dallas has these ultra-blue jerseys that they don’t like to wear (the Cowboys are almost always in white). What gives? When they made the current jerseys, were they done up in the dark by some blind guy?

Americans are about looking good. Hell, some people coordinate everything from their sneakers to their watch. It’s all about putting forth a quality appearance to make sure people respect you. The Cowboys look like their moms dressed them and didn’t have the right pants out of the wash yet. Come on, Dallas. You are better than this, we hope.

5. Texas doesn’t even want to be part of America

There are always these rogue reports about how Texas wants to become its own country. Frankly, most of the United States would be fine with that if it wasn’t for the great city of Austin and the loss of some terrific football players. Texas has this immense amount of local pride that makes absolutely no sense to most other Americans.

For that reason alone, no team playing in Texas can be considered America’s Team. Shouldn’t that distinction go to a team that plays in a state which loves America? I mean, look at this website. Look at it! This is how Texas feels about the United States. Get outta’ here, and take the Cowboys with you.

Sep 7, 2014; Tampa, FL, USA; Carolina Panthers defensive end Greg Hardy (76) during the first half against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Raymond James Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

4. America would never support Greg Hardy

For all the fun reasons on this list, I’m dead serious about this. Hardy is an absolute clown if the reports are true that he threw his former girlfriend, Nicole Holder, onto a couch covered in guns during a domestic dispute. There is no reason to support Hardy, let alone sign him. Anybody who would even allegedly put their hands on a woman has no place in the NFL.

Yet, Jones had no problem signing this individual because he might have been able to generate a few sacks after his 10-game suspension is up. Americans tolerate a lot of nonsense from its citizens and leaders, but it is not tolerable of “men” who beat up on women. There is no place for it, apparently unless you play for the Cowboys and it is only alleged. Then it’s cool.

3. The fans suck

Last year, players were openly talking about how going to Cowboys Stadium was basically a home game for opponents. That’s right, Cowboys fans were selling their tickets before the season began to incoming fan bases because they thought the team was going to stink. If that isn’t the most un-American you read today, I don’t know what is.

When the 1980 USA Hockey Team played against Russia, were people looking to sell their tickets to that nice, non-smiling couple from Moscow? NO! Why? Because even though it would take a miracle for the boys in red, white and blue to win, you never give up. Americans should be ashamed of the way the Cowboys were treated by their “fans” down in Texas.

Oct 11, 2014; Fayetteville, AR, USA; Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is honored along with his teammates from the 1964 team prior to the game between the Alabama Crimson Tide and the Arkansas Razorbacks at Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

2. Jerry Jones is a joke

For most of their franchise history, the Cowboys were a team to both revere and fear. Under Landry, Dallas always had this clean-cut image but they would absolutely crush opponents. With Johnson at the helm, the image came with a razor’s edge but the play on the field was the same. Once Jones decided to get rid of Johnson, the fear factor went out the window.

Romo and the boys are good, but nobody goes into Cowboys Stadium with the notion that they can’t win. Does anybody invade America? Hell no. Why? Because they know that an epic stomping is coming. Americans are all about food, television and not taking any guff. The Cowboys used to be about that last one, but now they are just another team.

1. Because America actually wins stuff

The Dallas Cowboys were a great franchise in the 1970’s. They went to the Super Bowl five times and won two of them under head coach Tom Landry and quarterback Roger Staubach. After a really rough patch in the mid-to-late 1980’s, Jimmy Johnson took over for Landry and immediately got things going in the right direction. Behind Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin, the Cowboys won three Super Bowls in four years.

Since the start of the 1996 season, Dallas has not been to the NFC Championship game. The Cowboys have employed Dave Campo and Wade Phillips as head coaches and Chad Hutchinson, Drew Henson and Quincy Carter at quarterback in that time. While Dallas is a solid team now, America isn’t about being “solid.” America is about being dominant and winning at all costs. Can you say New England Patriots?

That’s right, Bill Belichick is Captain America.