Every Premier League team's season as a movie
There’s a strong chance that Leicester City’s magical run in the Premier League will be made into a movie. Until then, we’ll have to come up with our own flick that would fit the bill. Surely it’s a Disney film, but that got us thinking: What about the other 19 EPL sides? Here are the movies that remind us of every Premier League team’s season thus far:
Leicester City – “Toy Story” (1995)
Not “Cinderella”? Nope, that’s too obvious. In 1995, “Toy Story” came out of nowhere to become a monster hit with a cast of lovable characters. That sounds very similar to Leicester City, which have stunned the Premier League this season behind a dynamic duo of Jamie Vardy and Riyad Mahrez. What’s more, everybody loves “Toy Story,” and everybody loves Leicester’s feel-good story. Unless maybe you’re a Tottenham fan … but every story has a Sid.
Tottenham Hotspur – “The Shawshank Redemption” (1994)
Spurs have had a fine year, but appear set to come up short at the end. Despite seven nominations, “The Shawshank Redemption” left the Oscars with zero awards. Among many other emotions, the film leaves the viewer feeling hopeful. While Spurs might not have a trophy to show for their season, they and their fans have plenty to look forward to.
Manchester City – “Rocky V” (1990)
Overall a disappointment, “Rocky V” should have been better. Although future films redeemed the series, “Rocky V” remains a blemish on an otherwise solid franchise. In a year where United, Chelsea and Arsenal all failed to claim the Premier League title, City will have to feel like they could have done better, too. Sylvester Stallone would surely agree.
Arsenal – “The Great Gatsby” (2013)
Stop us if you’ve heard this one before: Arsenal are going to finish fourth. Like Arsenal’s common refrain, we’ve also seen “The Great Gatsby” done numerous times. There have been five film adaptations alone of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic novel. Enough already. Arsenal (and Hollywood) need to get out of the rehash business.
Manchester United -- Any Michael Bay movie
United have the riches, but they still haven’t been able to deliver a hit in recent years. A lot of this blame seems to find its way to the top of the team: to manager Louis van Gaal. Likewise, all the flashy explosions in the world can’t hide what we all know about Michael Bay-directed movies: They’re just not very good.
West Ham – “The Artist” (2011)
The key to West Ham’s surprising season? Frenchman Dimitri Payet. Similarly, Jean Dujardin helped carry 2011’s “The Artist,” winning an Academy Award for Best Actor. West Ham won’t be reaching that level of success, but they wouldn’t be even close to where they are now without Payet’s performance level.
Liverpool – “Beethoven” (1992)
Brendan Rodgers was a lame duck entering the season, destined never to see it out. Jurgen Klopp entered, and has righted the ship with aplomb. Surprisingly, 1992’s canine-centric “Beethoven” switched directors shortly after filming began. Despite a mixed set of reviews, “Beethoven” spawned SEVEN sequels. If that’s a measure of success, hopefully the new man in Merseyside can replicate it.
Southampton – “Clerks” (1994) and “Clerks II” (2006)
Like “Clerks,” Southampton are a low-budget operation that are consistently underappreciated but still a cult favorite. Like “Clerks II,” Southampton are sellouts who prefer to ship off all of their best players.
Stoke City – “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” (1998)
There had to be a British film on here, right? Stoke are gritty on the outside, but with a lot of heart and polish and are finishing the season strong. Guy Ritchie’s breakout success lines up with that. Also, Vinnie Jones would totally have fit in at Stoke. Physical!
Chelsea – “John Carter” (2012)
There are plenty of big-budget flops out there, but it’s hard to find a less ubiquitous feature than “John Carter.” Disney budgeted hundreds of millions for “John Carter,” just as Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has for the Blues. While both the film and Chelsea haven’t been completely unmitigated disasters (“John Carter” found success overseas and Chelsea avoided relegation), both investors surely expected more bang for their buck.
Everton – “Weekend at Bernie's” (1989)
The love affair between Toffees fans and their once-prized manager Roberto Martinez is officially over. “Martinez out” banners now dot the Goodison Park stands and players have questioned the team’s chemistry. "Weekend at Bernie's" started out as a party and quickly turned into a dead guy being paraded around. If you're not seeing the Martinez parallel, then I don't know what to tell you.
Watford – “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” (1993)
Little Watford seemed a decent bet for the drop after securing promotion, but the Hornets have been a pleasant surprise. Led by Odion Ighalo (Robin) and Troy Deeney (Little John), Watford have escaped the prison of relegation.
Bournemouth – “Finding Nemo” (2003)
Bournemouth’s season started out quite frightening, and the Cherries were lost and adrift in the relegation zone after 12 weeks. But Bournemouth found their groove, and now things are hunky dory at Dean Court. (Also, we’re pretty sure Eddie Howe isn’t allowed to watch anything other than G-rated movies, so that’s why they get “Finding Nemo.”)
West Brom – “Sharknado” (2013)
The Baggies have had such a bad season that it’s almost good. The infighting between star striker Saido Berahino and management has been nothing short of fruitless for both parties, but entertaining for outsiders. It’s been a total mess, but we can’t look away. If Tara Reid shows up, everybody hit the decks.
Swansea City – “The Mask of Zorro” (1998)
They’re not great, but when Swansea needed points, who answered the call? Gylfi Sigurdsson donned the mask to protect his poor team from relegation. The ageless Catherine Zeta Jones, who made her breakthrough with “The Mask of Zorro,” was also born in Swansea … so it works!
Crystal Palace – “Grindhouse”/ “Death Proof” (2007)
Quentin Tarantino has overseen a plethora of quality classics, but 2007’s “Death Proof” (Tarantino’s offering in 2007’s “Grindhouse” double feature) was, let’s be blunt, garbage. As an equally eccentric man in charge, Alan Pardew has overseen a Crystal Palace team that’s deserving of an equally honest description. You’re both capable of better than this, and we all know it.
Norwich City – “Pineapple Express” (2008)
Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but we expected Norwich to be better than they were this season. They’re still a risk of going down, but they could also get the job done and stay up. We guess it all depends on your state of mind when watching it all unfold.
Sunderland – “Battlefield Earth” (2000)
“Why in the world would anybody watch this dreck?” is a question that would apply to both a Sunderland match and “Battlefield Earth.” Sunderland have spent the entire season either mired in or flirting with relegation. And watching “Battlefield Earth” is so sadistic they’ve actually banned it as an interrogation tactic in the Geneva Conventions. Nothing to see here, folks. Don’t waste your time.
Newcastle – “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (2008)
There’s nothing worse than seeing a once-proud franchise utterly disgraced. But sometimes it happens, and everything gets ruined. It’s the death knell for a franchise. Sad times.
Aston Villa – “Disaster Movie” (2008)
“Seldom has a pic been more appropriately titled than ‘Disaster Movie,’ yet another frantically unfunny free-form farce from the unfortunately prolific writing-directing team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer,” wrote Joe Leydon of “Variety.” Slap “Aston Villa” and “Randy Lerner” into that review and you’ve got the Villain’s season. To put it into perspective, “Disaster Movie” served as Kim Kardashian’s motion picture debut. Well, in a sense.
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