Manchester United vs. Everton was so dumb and so good
Manchester United and Everton took to the pitch at Wembley with a spot in the FA Cup final on the line. What followed was 90 minutes of stupidity, nonsense, disorganization and all-around bad soccer. Basically, if you imagine how soccer should go, it would be the opposite of this. Both managers had to hate everything they saw. And it was amazing.
The entire match was enthralling. It was perfect. It was the perfect advertisement for why sometimes you don't need good soccer. You need dumb soccer. You need the dumbest soccer. Because the dumbest soccer is the height of entertainment, and Manchester United and Everton delivered that.
It didn't even take five minutes for it to become a beautiful thriller as Romelu Lukaku ended up in alone on goal, took a bad touch, ended up having to go well wide to round David De Gea, shot on goal and then had Wayne Rooney -- not a typo, really Rooney, way back as the only defender -- head the ball off the line.
Another look at Wayne Rooney denying Romelu Lukaku and Everton an early lead. #FACUPonFOX https://t.co/UFjukz1fYC
— FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) April 23, 2016
And that was just the start.
Let us consider the events of the contest:
- A gorgeous Manchester United move that saw back-to-back backheels. It was a work of art. And then it was completely ruined by a poor last ball that made you wonder how a team that could make such magic could take a dump all over it.
- Muhamed Besic looking like a midfielder being asked to play out of position at fullback because he is a midfielder who was asked to play out of position at fullback.
- Manchester United thinking that it would be a good idea to only keep two defenders back to track Lukaku. This was actually a very bad idea because Lukaku is super good and the Red Devils defenders are ... not.
- Anthony Martial repeatedly making every Everton defender reconsider their career choice.
- Marouane Fellaini scoring the opening goal with his foot -- he has two of them and occasionally, they work -- on an ugly play because none of the pretty stuff was working for the Red Devils.
- Roberto Martinez looking very handsome as always.
- Timothy Fosu-Mensah deciding he should try to slide tackle Ross Barkley in the box. It was a really poor idea, in large part because he had no chance of winning the ball and went in with two feet. Eventually, he did get a touch to the ball, but only after raking across and through Barkley's legs. Jesse Lingard still thought he should argue the penalty call with all his might, which wasn't especially smart, but shoutout to defending your teammate.
- De Gea making a really good save on Lukaku's penaty. The Belgian actually hit it decently, low and toward the side with a ton of power, but De Gea got there to make the save and didn't even break his hand. This is the part where you remember that De Gea would be at Real Madrid if people knew how to work a fax machine. Then you consider Manchester United this season without De Gea this season and try not to laugh hysterically.
- John Stones just deciding he was a midfielder for about 10 minutes, and an attacking one at that.
- Chris Smalling with the best finish of the match. Unfortunately for him, it was into his own goal, which isn't ideal if you're a Manchester United fan. As a neutral, it was awesome because it made you think that extra time was possible and the match was so crazy and entertaining that 30 more minutes of it was the dream.
- Phil Jagielka using his hand (unintentionally, but still his hand) to stop a shot on the goal line and disallowing a goal, but without the referee seeing it so it was totally legit. Also it kept the extra-time dream intact.
Everton's Jagielka denies Fellaini a 2nd goal with his hand(!), but no penalty is given. It remains 1-0. #FACUPonFOX https://t.co/fKCsURvGsw
— FOX Soccer (@FOXSoccer) April 23, 2016
- Ander Herrera showing no shame in just grabbing Barkley in transition and dragging him to the ground. The referee could only show a yellow card because that's what the rules say (he really deserved worse for something so cynical, but not a red card. Like a yellow and a wet willy or something), but then Barkley kicked out and probably should have gotten a red card. He didn't, again, because extra time needed to happen.
- Martial, having haunted Everton for more than 90 minutes, realized that the match was in the last minute of stoppage time. At that point he had two choices: decide that terrorizing the Toffees' ankles was enough and let them get away with just physical pain, or score the winning goal so he could also add emotional and sporting pain to his work on the afternoon.
He chose the latter.
- Marcus Rashford and Lingard doing a really cool handshake after the final whistle.
Would all of that have happened if Manchester United and Everton were really good teams? Hell no.
At some point, the teams would have shored up their defense, established something resembling a cohesive midfield or even looked to control tempo with possession. But they didn't because they're not very good. They each have some amazing players and those players were set free to do as they pleased. Every single one of them -- especially Martial -- did just that. And Rooney was a last defender clearing a ball of the line.
Toss in the stakes of an FA Cup semifinal, a packed Wembley and potentially both managers' jobs being on the line and you have entertainment gold. So was it dumb? Damn straight. Beautifully so. Because dumb soccer can be the best soccer.
